Their cats took their Vitamix hostage. Three weeks later, the standoff continues.

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“STANDOFF: Day (are you KIDDING me) 4: The situation has come full circle as the sentient soccer ball took advantage of a moment of distraction by the sentient potato and reclaimed the Vitamix, immediately adopting a posture suggesting that he came to eat treats and bitchslap any lesbians who try to come for the Vitamix, and he’s all out of treats,” wrote Jessica, a psychologist and the writer of most of the updates. “One of the middle-aged lesbians appears to have locked herself in the bathroom; the other was heard in fervent prayer to the patron saint of all queer cat lovers, [Freddie] Mercury. ”

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